Speak, Please!

Hello friends, This is probably the most vulnerable post I've written. In fact, I've wrestled with writing it for a few days. For the past half year, I've been struggling with a lot of doubts. I've known God is real, but I was having trouble knowing that in a tangible-with-all-my-being kind of way. At first, It was just several theological questions running through my mind. I would ask God some of these questions, but I heard nothing. I decided to just try to ignore the questions and stand on what I did know. Then, I became disappointed at God because I had several dream opportunities come to me. But every single time, I felt a "no." I was angry that I couldn't do things I felt aligned with my calling. But, I pushed through and decided that it must've been for the best. But the thing that was hardest for me this season was that I felt that I was taking big leaps of faith and trust, yet God was not answering my prayers. Prayers for financial miracles, espically with my increasing school bill. Prayers for physical, mental, and emotional healing for family members, as well as myself. Prayers for the lost. None of these were answered. I felt like I couldn't hear God. The doubts were closing in on me. Where was His miracle working power? I saw it at work in other people, but not me. Where was His audible voice? I've never heard it before. Why wasn't He speaking to me? Why wasn't He answering me and taking away my confusion? I didn't know. I did know I could go two ways-- closer or farther to Jesus. Left or right. Forwards or backwards. I don't know the answers, and for me that is tough. I am in the need to know. If there is a question, there is an answer. At least, that's how I think. I've decided a few things: 1. I cannot base my current relationship with Jesus based on my feelings. It is a sure way to drown. 2. I cannot base my current relationship with Jesus based on my logic. It is also a sure way to drown. 3. I cannot base my current relationship with Jesus based on experiences- past or present. It, too, is a sure way to drown. 4. It's okay to not know the answers. I will never know the answers until I am in Heaven with Jesus. 5. I don't trust Jesus as much as I thought I did. This has all reminded me about Job. Job had way worse problems than me. He asked God a lot of questions. He had no idea what was going on. He didn't hear the voice of God until chapter 38. But, he did know something. He knew who his God was. In Job 9:10-11 AMP, Job proclaims that God "'does great things, [beyond understanding,] unfathomable, Yes, marvelous and wondrous things without number. Behold, He passes by me, and I do not see Him; He moves past me, but I do not perceive Him.'" He worshipped God through his trials and doubts. He stood on the character of God, even when he couldn't comprehend it. He was in total, absolute surrender to his Savior. This is what I do know: 1. I CAN base my current relationship with Jesus on who He is. 2. He is still good, even when I don't see that goodness. 3. He is continually speaking, just through different ways. Even when I don't hear Him or recognize His voice. Whether it's through my heart, His audible voice, the urging of the Holy Spirit, the Bible, other people, or random things, He can and wants to speak to me. This has been a hard season. It still is. I am learning to trust. I am learning to know that God is on my side, and that He is the mountain mover. I may not always clearly hear Him or know what He wants for me, but He is still by me. He still loves me. I don't know why or how He could love me, a worm on the earth, but He does. And He loves you too and wants to speak to you. So, I give my all and my trust to you, Jesus. Take all of me, leave nothing behind. Speak to me, and help me not to base my relationship with you on my feelings or thoughts. Use me. I am yours and you are mine. Amen. Emily Songs: I Exalt Thee Shekinah Glory Below are some pictures I took in Montana: